Losing a Friend...

Somehow, I can't even figure out how to begin this post. No introduction or explanation seemed good enough to express how I've been feeling for the past (almost) two weeks.

When you and a friend decide to stop talking, it's an unimaginable hurt. And, when it's someone you're used to speaking to every day for the past two years, it's something you have to get used to. You must fight the urge to call them or text them. In order to keep a stance of civility, you have to force yourself not to message them and explain to them exactly how you're feeling. Exactly why what they did hurt you so bad. Basically, you have to stop yourself from unleashing a fury of rage onto them. After all, what if they come back? What if you reconcile?

Don't say anything you'll eventually regret.

Just don't do it.

In my case, I had to completely take this person off of my Facebook; hitting that "Unfriend" button literally broke my heart. I deleted their phone number. I deleted our text thread and Facebook Message thread. I said goodbye. They were too afraid to say goodbye to me; instead, they said, "Good luck Rebecca, make 2020 your year." My Response? "I will. Bye. Goodbye." And I could hear them sobbing over the phone. My kids walked in and saw me crying. And I was sad for days. I wondered why this happened. Why, the person who I considered my new "best friend" after losing my other best friend in 2016, had hurt me so.

I think what hurts so bad, is that we often spend years getting to know a person. One year passes; they're still around. Another year passes; they're still around. You learn to tell each other your deepest secrets, and they learn the darkest parts of you. The parts that not even your parents, siblings, or significant others know about you. Some things, in fact, your group of friends that you've known for 15 or 20 years doesn't even know. You become so close with this one person that you confide everything into them - because, let's face it, we all need someone to talk to, no matter how rough, hard, or emotionless we like to make ourselves seem.

I have been moving on the best way I know how. I'm graduating from college, looking for new jobs, and building new relationships. I was even selected to submit a speech for graduation. I'm hoping I will be picked.

I still think of them every day. I know it hasn't been that long, but even just going to the gym makes me miss that, "Hey, you at the gym?" text that I used to get every night. The late-night phone calls, the early morning texts. These are all things I got very, very used to, and now have to live without. I have to keep telling myself that it will be okay; that, eventually, I will find a new friend, and hopefully, we will be friends for a very, very long time. Because I don't think I could take losing one more best friend.

Thanks for Reading,

-R.B. Lee